[from my journal]

I need to pray for me. I need to ask You for grace, for strength. I can’t let it all slip away. I have to fight. These baby steps will have me running someday.

As blessed as I am, as wonderful as the people in my life are…every time I look to them, I keep coming up empty. It’s always missing something. My soul knows there’s more.

Here I am before you, longing. Longing to know who You are. Longing to find You. I hear You calling. I know You will meet me. But I have to come looking.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

don’t be fooled
sin is sitting right outside
every day there’s battle lines
you fight to win
ignore and lose

don’t be fooled
you’re not so strong as you would think
but for the grace of God
there you’d be too

it’s little steps, it’s little choices
a thousand every day
leave you far from Him
darkly cold today

this choice matters. tomorrow matters. eternity, it matters.

don’t be fooled

[HML'09]

I am so thankful for each of the amazing people in my life, whether I have known them for years or just met them a few times. I am surrounded by so much love! Looking at these pictures from the past year, I remember all these great moments of warmth and laughter, hugs (always hugs) and conversation…just being together and sharing experiences with them. I realize that things won’t always be this way. Change happens….alot! I won’t always have the same kind of time or opportunities that I have now, or even the same people in my life. So today, I am thanking God for NOW, ’cause it’s beautiful.

Remember all the love we shared…

Song – Awake, by Josh Groban

Saturday afternoon I stood in line four hours in order to cast my absentee ballot. I will be working the polls on Tuesday and therefor had to forgo my usual practice of voting on election day. As the long line slowly snaked its way into the building, it quickly became apparent that a large number of the people surrounding me were voting for “the other guy” as evidenced by their welcoming of the offered stickers with his picture and the enthusiasm for certain campaign volunteers with free pizza. (Ok, so I would’ve taken some too if I’d been hungry.)

Finding my immediate line neighbors not interested in chatting, I spent the hours alone with my own thoughts, accompanied for an interlude of time by my mp3 player, with plenty more time to observe the people and chatter around me.

By the time the open door of the voting room came into view, I was more than a little footsore, and feeling both depressed and frustrated over the worldview of my hundreds of fellow citizens packed in the winding rows. Although my information was surface level at best, I was just a little worried that if this was any indication of the rest of populace, our country might see a very grim day indeed. Didn’t they realize what kind of person they were voting for? Didn’t they care? Didn’t they understand what they were choosing?

Steady chit-chat broke out between me and a few of my line neighbors as the end drew closer. Our discussion turned to one of the issues we’re voting on in Ohio. I didn’t say much other than actively listening and adding casual comments, but it was an amiable and light-hearted conversation that brought some much needed laughter, as well as exposing some obvious differences.

“You’re voting for McCain aren’t you” said the man next to me, more as a statement than a question. I nodded with a bemused smile and twinkle in my eye. “MmmHmm”. No need to ask who his vote was going for. I dug in my purse for gum and we both set to work on a piece of spearmint. (Apparently gum is non-partisan also.)

At last my turn had come; my ballot was handed over and I quickly fulfilled my American mission with a ballpoint pen on the appropriate ovals of choice. Sealed and dropped in the big silver bin, I made a hasty departure home.

I spent the rest of the evening at a special veterans event at a local church. During the start of the program we sang several patriotic numbers, including “My Country ‘ Tis of Thee”. As I sang the words of the last verse, the swirling thoughts of the day came filtering through a different light.

Our father’s God to, Thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright
With freedom’s holy light;
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God, our King!

In my frustration of the politically charged afternoon, I had overlooked one very important thing.

Great God, our King.

If I am afraid and worried about one man becoming President, my hope is not in the right place. If I am convinced that one man means disaster and the other escape thereof, my trust is feebly placed. Our freedom, our rights, the gift of life – though upheld by men, are ultimately not given or protected by human hands, but by God’s. He is the one who has allowed freedom’s light to shine so bright from this land.

While concern IS warranted, action our duty, and this election vitally important (with prayer much needed), our security in this life does not remain with the leadership of any one man, but with the God of the Universe.

How thankful I am that His power is not limited or changed by who sits behind that desk in the Oval Office.

“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.”

Psalm 33:20-22

“I will praise You, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of You among the peoples. For great is Your love, higher than the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens, let Your glory be over all the earth.”

Psalm 108:3-5

“But let all who take refuge in You be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love Your name may rejoice in You.”

Psalm 5:11-12

Twenty-two is a weird feeling. Like driving a new car that you’re not quite familiar with, it will take some getting used to. I don’t feel as mature as the number suggests. I am sobered with the realization of time gone that I can never get back and a chapter of my life quickly closing. Unlike some of my peers who seem to have a solid grasp on adulthood already, I am still in the process. This has brought some interesting changes to my attention that I can only attribute to that process. It’s the odd sensation of both seeing the world through the eyes of a child and those of an adult.

When I was younger, I used to wonder why grownups were okay with going without food if the circumstances warranted, when all my little tummy could think about was that I HAD to eat as soon as possible lest I starve to a horrible death. These days I get engrossed in a project and lunch slips past, or I find myself rather hungry but quite able to wait until the situation is remedied.

I didn’t understand adults’ fascination with visiting childhood places and telling us the stories of their favorite memories, where they used to go and what they used to do. Sometimes it got a little boring. Now I find myself looking back at my own childhood warmly and treasuring those worn stuffed animal friends and funny little rocks I collected, recounting the days of when my brother and I reveled in creative imagination. I listen more closely when my parents tell their stories; now that I have my own, I understand why they mean so much and what an important part of us they are.

I used to see parents as only that – parents. They were always there and made the world ok and had the answers when you needed them. They made the rules and sometimes didn’t understand what it was like to be their child! In my self-absorption, I failed to realize how my actions and attitudes truly affected them and how deeply they loved me.

Now, I see how much the children around me have to learn and what oblivion they often live in, compared to the realizations of this thought process I find myself with. I see how much one does gain by merit of age and experience, small yet mine may be. As I form my own principles, I am armed with the desire to pass them on to my children yet nonexistent, because I want them to know what is good and right….the very desire my parents had for me.

Now, I see parents as individuals, as people with their own stories and life journeys, of which parenting is just a part of the picture. People who have hopes and dreams, disappointments and challenges. People who faced choices like I do and chose to follow God instead of the culture.

I used to think looks mattered more. Now I know that personality and heart is huge and the more you grow to appreciate and love someone, the more attractive they become to you and those “imperfections” no longer matter through the eyes of love. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is not such a cliche expression as it seems. Which explains a lot about relationships that I never understood before.

I’ve learned to give myself the freedom to change my ideas and to admit that when it comes right down to it, I don’t know very much after all. (But my parents still do!)

The light is dawning on a new era for me, one that comes as silently as it does loudly. There is so much more that is still unclear, and though sometimes I long to understand, I now realize that only time and God’s mercy can tell you some things.

And it will. It already has.

(repost)

On the surface not a ripple
Undercurrent wages war
Quiet in the sanctuary
Sin is crouching at my door

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring me back to life

I wake to find my soul in fragments
Given to a thousand loves
But only One will have no rival
Hangs to heal me, spills His blood

Curse-reversing day of Jesus
When You finally seize my soul
Freedom from myself will be
The sweetest rest I’ve ever known

{Chris Rice}

Even when the answer is right in front of me, I go looking for other ones. More comfortable. Easy. Fun.

The path really is clear. I’m the one fogging my mind up so that I can ignore the truth. But it doesn’t really work.

Not when you get to the end of the day. Alone with God. Standing on the ground of stark reality.

This is not a movie. The end is not written for happily ever after yet. Because everyday my choices reflect in tomorrow’s script.

Jesus and me. That’s all I need. Nothing matters more.

Can I believe that?

Will I believe that?

Will I let it change my life?

On staff at an event one evening, my job was assisting people behind the merchandise table. The crowd was slow initially, so I took a moment to place a quick call that seemed appropriate. The number failed to go through and I had to place several more calls, making the process much longer than I had intended.

Although I maintained my presence at the table and no one was waiting for help, I was not actively available to anyone on the other side. Being on the phone effectively cut me off from fulfilling my roll. I had the sense that this probably wasn’t the best idea, but I didn’t thoughtfully assess and act on the priority of the moment.

Just as I was finally finishing up, the man in charge walked over to me.

“You need to get off the phone” he said. Not sure if he was serious or not, I briefly explained. His response was “I know, but…”

I then realized he was looking at me very seriously. This was no pick-on-Hannah moment. Embarrassment set in and my eyes grew wide. “Am I in trouble?” I blurted out.

He shook his head. “Just don’t do it anymore.”

Thankfully this was someone I knew and had good relationship with from working together previously. However, I was still very embarrassed that he had say something to me, when in fact I knew better. I apologized properly later and attentively fulfilled my responsibilities for the rest of the event. But his words stayed with me.

You need to get off the phone.

This story (embarrassing as it is to tell) carries a point. (#1 – go with your gut; it’s usually right.) In contemplating this, I was convicted that there are other things in my life that are mirror being on the phone when I’m supposed to be working.

It’s my responsibility to be actively involved in the course and actions of my life. No one is there to pick up the slack if I don’t. But I have a tendency to get stuck with passing distractions like entertainment, media, or even literally being on the phone.

These aren’t necessarily bad things, just not the main priority.  And when I let them jump place in line, they eat up valuable time and not only keep me from being where God wants me to be, but who He wants me to be.

“You need to get off the phone” God says to me. Away from the distractions and back to the pursuit of what’s right in front of me. To actively living life and the people I’m serving.

And the truth is, I usually know better. It’s hard to hang up. God forgive me for being so stubborn.

Mercifully, as my friend demonstrated, God is forgiving. He doesn’t strike out in anger, but His command is that of what Jesus said to the woman in John 8:11 -  don’t do it anymore!

Are you on the phone? Life is calling. And there’s no hold button.

I’ve touched on this subject before, but I’d like to return to it again. I am at the place where I need to be moving forward with decisions, answering the age-old question of “what is God’s will?” for this season of life. It’s tough. I’ve been feeling some pressure, not intentionally placed on me by anyone, but there nonetheless, to be involved in ministry of some sort.

The question is, do I HAVE to be in a quote, “ministry” to make a difference?

I am the girl who loves to laugh, hug on my friends, listen when someone needs to talk, cry at a song on the radio, go running beneath blue skies, and chop veggies with my chef knife just because it’s cool. Basically, I just want to love God, live the beautiful life He has given me, and see other people happy. That’s it. That’s how I want to make a difference – by being me.

There are many people – including friends of mine – with ministry dreams like a missionary or gospel musician, or having an outreach to young people. And I cannot match that. My dreams are of a more domestic sort. I definitely believe in living in view of eternity and what will really count in the end. But does that require our involvement to be what is deemed as specifically spiritual? Everything we do can be spiritual in the sense that God is everywhere with me. I am His child and I bear His likeness, and even though I falter at times, I believe that people will see Him whether or not my work label is expressly that of “ministry.”

The other night I read this blog post by Tom Neven at Boundlessline.org, and I was very encouraged.

As far back as I could remember, I’d wanted to be a writer. But I thought the only way I could serve God was as a minister or maybe as a missionary to Africa. (I’d already lived in Africa for several years at that point, so I had no romantic illusions about the continent.) I was genuinely torn between my desire to serve God and my desire to tell stories.

:: Read It Here: Butchers, Bakers, and Candlestick Makers

To do something for the love of doing something…is that not God-given? That’s why we sing, why we write, why we paint, why we grow amazing flower gardens and design intricate skyscrapers and do crazy things to get the perfect photograph. It is within us to love doing what God has uniquely given us us a passion for, and in following that passion we glorify Him. And I’m so glad.

Just some honest thoughts from my heart…

…from your “foresthood” snail…

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” -Galatians 6:9

“What do you want from God?”

That was the question posed by a speaker one night as I was watching a webcast from a popular mega-church. He was warming everyone up for the offering.”If you want to get back hundreds, give hundreds…if you want to get back thousands, give thousands. We want our breakthrough! This is MY year, MY time.”

The longer I watched, the sadder I grew. Something wasn’t right. All this talk about what God could do for us.

Since when was it all about what we wanted from God? Since when did we have the right to expect God to make us rich. How can we say this is MY time when it’s God who created time in the first place and allows us to live one moment longer?

What ever happened to the right question: What does God want from you?

I know too often in my own life I find myself asking the wrong question. Asking God to make my life better, to fix my problems, and focusing so much on my own failings that I miss the whole point – “Father, who do you want me to be, what do you want me to do – for YOU?”

We’re just dust, people. Here today and gone tomorrow. God is the eternal GOD. Let’s stop thinking so highly of ourselves and ask the right question. Not what do I want from God – but what does God want from me.